I have a nagging feeling that this time, it's just me...

Lol. Dunno what's with the title. Randomness. Holidays are ending. They're talking about extending it. Due to the swine flu (sorry, H1N1) thing. Don't really know why, but i can't stop thinking of it as swine flu. Makes it less scary, i guess. This...pandemic (yeah, they're using that now) kinda made me think about stuff. Not that i'm really worried or anything, which is kinda weird, 'cause you'd think that being old enough to understand death (in a way) would make me scared. But i'm not. Didn't mean to sound cocky/ arrogant/ fearless. 'Cause i'm not. Just that it's this...thought that "it'll never be me". Even though time and again we hear stories of how that thought is proven wrong, but they're so...impersonal that that's all they'll ever be. Stories.

Anyway, back to thinking about stuff. Lol. More precisely, death. As in, yeah, i've thought about it (i mean, who hasn't?) but i've always been thinking of it as an ending. Like...to get rid of all emotions? As a way of finally getting peace. Sorry if i scared anyone. But now, i find myself actually thinking of what would happen if the people i know and love (like) are gone. Even those people i really can't stand. I know they say it's bad luck to talk/ think about this kinda stuff. But if i don't, i don't think i'll be...prepared for it when it comes. But still...TOUCH WOOD. 'Cause i'm really afraid of being all alone. It's an irrational fear, but it's still a fear. I don't think i'm afraid of dying. Mostly i'm just afraid of being alone when i die. But then i guess you're always alone when you die. Even if you're surrounded by people you know. And that's really scary, for me. I think that's why i'm always worried you'd leave me. 'Cause being with you seems so natural to me now. And i can't begin to imagine how it'll be without you. How much it'll hurt. And i guess all this is just really childish, in a way. Like a little girl who's afraid of the dark, even though there's really nothing to be afraid of. It's just the absence of light. But i guess all of us are just afraid of uncertainty. Like not knowing what could be lying in wait for you in the dark. Like not knowing what the future will bring.

I think this is kinda why i can't let go of things. How i don't really like change. 'Cause only NOW is certain. The past is gone, and the future is shrouded in mist, unclear. Only the present doesn't change. 'Cause it's now. Duh. And i guess i'm afraid of change. But sometimes it's for the better.

More next time, i hope.

Later.