And the Oscar goes to...

Fuck. I can't believe i'm such a good actor.

But i guess it's needed, to mask the pain and veil the hurt. To pretend to everyone else that there's nothing wrong. Fuck, sometimes i'm so good i can even fool myself. I guess i really am deserving of an Oscar. And maybe if i tried hard enough, i could believe that everything is fine and the fucking pain will go away.
(And pigs may fly.)

And yeah, i'm perfectly fine and everything else i've just said is crap and should not be taken seriously, even if they really sound like they should be.

Fuck.

Later.

Hearts Burst Into Fire

I never thought that someone could affect me so much and so deeply. Being with you...is like lifting a veil frommy entire being. I feel so much more at ease and just so much more myself when i'm with you. And i feel like we're just so meant for each other.

So i guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that i can't be without you. When i'm alone in my room, when there's nothing to do to keep my mind occupied...that's when it hits me the hardest. I hate it that i can't do anything to change it. That even though i know this shouldn't be happening, that we belong together, i just can't stop us from being torn apart. And it's killing me inside. You said this isn't the end, that it can't keep us apart. I know that, but funnily enough, it's hurting like it really is the end.

I know how much you hate it when i'm emo. So i'll make you a promise right now. I promise never to be emo again. At least not in front of anyone. No one will see me cry. No one will have to comfort me when i'm feeling really fucked up, 'cause i promised not to be emo. I just won't be. I promise you.

I see your face in my mind as i [walk] away
None of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it'skilling me to se you go after all this time

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now i don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing i know like the back of my hand
And i can't breathe wihtout you, but i have to breathe without you, but i have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road i tried to smooth
But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall

And we know it'snever simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing i know like the back of my hand
And i can't breathe without you, but i have to breathe without you, but i have to

It's two a.m., feeling like i just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feeling like i just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me

And i can't breathe without you, but i have to breathe without you, but i have to

I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry

I promise to be good from now on. Those memories of you and me will be my protection against my nightmares, my talisman against my inner demons. There's no need to say that i won't forget you for as long as i live, 'cause you're my only reason for living. Forgetting you would be the same as losing the only reason to keep breathing. The only reason for my heart to keep beating.

I love you.

Run baby run, forever we'll be you and me

Later.

Russian roulette is not the same without a gun

Fairytales always have happy endings. But i guess that's 'cause they end when the writer stops writing. And more importantly, they're just stories. Things that could never happen in real life. Fairytale princesses and princes, riding on their white horses into the sunset and happily ever afters... That can't and won't ever happen in real life.

I guess girls always dream of their Prince Charming on a white horse, their knight in shining armour, someone to hold them in their arms and tell them that everything will be alright. I know, 'cause i used to. Been there, done that. But that's just it. It's just a freakin' dream. And you'll always wake up from a dream, and dreams will always fade away. The more you hold on to it; the more real the dream seems... It just hurts hell lot more when you wake up.

I guess i'm gonna wake up soon. And i already knowthat it's gonna hurt like hell. And that for every additional moment i spend in this dream of you and me, the pain that i feel when i wake up will intensify. But somehow, just maybe, i can live with the pain. Maybe it won't kill. It'll just remain a constant reminder of what once was and what could have and should have been.

I suppose this isn't anyone's fault. Not yours, not mine, not theirs, much as i would love to blame them. Or maybe just a little bit mine. Mine, for daring to think it could possibly last. Mine, for tempting fate. But just as the blame is mine, so is the pain.

You once told me that if i didn't love you anymore, yu'd detach yourself emotionally. Maybe the end of the year is a good time to do that. After all, a new year signifies a new start. And what could be a better way to start anew? You know i'll always be waiting, but maybe i should just be forgotten. Out with the old and in with the new.

Some days, when i feel hopeful, anything seems possible. Huh. But most days, i think there's no such thing as a miracle, i'm never really gonna get what i want. And there's no friggin' way i'm gonna survive this, intact.
But...whatthefuck. I guess i'll just deal with whatever comes.

So i guess i know what impending doom feels like. And i think i'm sinking to a new level of passivity. 'Cause now i don't ever feel like doing anything. Or, to be precise, nothing means anything to me now. I don't want to do anything, i only do stuff 'cause i need to. I guess, in a way, i'm breaking down. And i can't stop it, or maybe i don't want to stop it, 'cause maybe before it gets any better, [i'm] headed for a cliff. And in the freefall i will realise that i'm better off when i hit the bottom. Maybe letting myself break down is a better choice. Better than pretending to myself and everyone else around me that i'm fine, when i'm so obviously not.

I'm walking a fine line, the sort i'm forced to, and the sort that i can't fail. I'm walking that fine line between someone with personality and preferences, and someone who listens to her parents and teachers and coach without fail and lives up to their high expectations. Someone you love, and someone eveyone else expects me to be. Maybe i shoud just give up this losing struggle. Be who i should be, what everyone wants me to be. What is expected of me, a projected image, a mirage, instead of the real me. Or maybe i should end all this shit, with the only way i know how. Running away. Running from the responsibilities and expectations, to somewhere i can rest in peace.

I'm just so tired. Of people making demands. Of people expecting me to do all those things. Of doing things to make them happy, when i have no interest whatsoever in what i'm doing. Of doing things, working hard, just to get their approval. FUCK. I am so sick of it all. Fuck.

all i wanted was you

Later. If i'm still alive.

P/S: as if anyone cares.