Another holiday. I realise that holidays are nothing but pit stops in the rat race of school life. You don't really get to rest. Just catch a quick breather. This couple of days i've been thinking alot. About schoolwork, about my future and just life in general. And i've had a few realisations. One: i used to be alot more hardworking. Now it seems like i'm just getting away with the bare minimum. Two: i'm still not quite sure of what i want from my future, and this uncertainty scares me. Three: life is... I don't even want to go there. Let's just say that i'm disenchanted.
It's all those thoughts about the future that's killing me. I keep thinking about the subject combinations and all that shit. And i'm still trying to figure out what path to take. My heart is telling me to go with what i want, but my mind (not to mention my parents) is telling me something else altogether.
...suddenly the urge to blog is gone. I really feel like curling up in some corner and just crying myself to sleep. You know why. But you don't care.
Later.
i just haven't found it yet
Thursday, September 9
Saturday, July 17
Say your prayers...
I don't understand.
Why can't people just get along? Maybe i'm not the best person to say this, maybe i don't have the right to say this. I'm not the most tolerable person around after all. But is it so hard to just...tolerate someone? I'm not even talking about liking the person, just tolerate. I'm sorry, but i just fail to see how that's a problem. Especially if the differences are minor ones, like what kind of music you like or what school you're from. It's not even racial or religious or whatever.
Maybe it's just me being, ironically, intolerant again. But i really don't understand.
This led me thinking: if people around me can't even set aside petty little differences, then i guess the same is to be expected from the rest of humanity. All those wars, those senseless battles that are fought just because of some difference in the way of thinking, or who you are. I guess all of those violent, useless wars, all those hurtful remarks and emotional trauma will just continue to occur both now and in the future. Though i suppose it's sort of like an innate human instinct, to shun those different from you.
Biologically, i'm sure there's an explanation. But in this age and day, where some of these alleged differences are only in our mind (a Christian American and an American who doesn't have any religion will probably have the same characteristics of an American, i'm sure, as will a Buddhist Chinese and a Muslim Chinese bear the same characeteristics of a Chinese, save for minor physical differences due to ancestral lineage), i'm starting to suspect that this sensless discrimination against people just slightly different from us can possibly be detrimental to the survival of the human race.
So i really, honestly, truthfully think that the world might be a better place after the apocalypse, or natural burning out due to global warming. Whether it's in 2012 or earlier or later. I think it's time to start over.
See, basically (i know how you don't like it when i use this word), we're a failed species. Hardly any of the other animals or plants or organisms have tried to exterminate a particular breed of their species because they thought that breed was inferior. Few animals, plants or ther organisms have wars amongst their own species so frequently, and seldom has killing of the same species occurred on such a massive scale, and for such selfish reasons. Nowadays, humans go to war because of things like different ideologies of different skin colour, things that are non-essential for survival. Animals, on the other hand, fight over things like territory, food, mates, etc. Basically, things that they need in order to survive and ensure continuity of their species. We humans, as a species, aren't doing what we should. I mean, okay, differentiation is good, because it helps us adapt to and survive in different conditions/ environment. But killing each other just because of some petty differences is just gonna set our whole species back by a lot. We're jsut killing our own people, because in the end, we ARE one people. The human race, that is.
So we've established that we are, in fact, a failed species.
Now, depending on what you believe in -- god(s), or science -- some apocalyptic disaster worthy of a Hollywood film or a gradual decline in our ability to survive will start happening. If you believe in any god, not just the Christian one, you'll believe that since we have not lived up to god's expectations, and have been sinful, he/ she will have to wipe out the human race by sending a deluge of rain resulting in flash floods, catastrophic earthquakes, or maybe just oblierate us. On the other hand, if you believe in science and Charles Darwin, you'll believe that since humans are an inferior species and there can only be survival of the fittest, we will just slowly die out as we will be unable to adapt. Either way, i'm pretty sure that our world is gonna end. In that sense. And yes, this is all OUR fault. 'Our' referring to every single human being.
So when the end comes, i hope everyone is prepared, because really, we've broiught this on ourselves. If only we had been good, peace-loving humans. But it's too late. Flash floods, or gradual dying out, we should be ready. And accept it. Say our final prayers, say our last farewells, because the end will come. It could be tomorrow, 10 years later, or a millenium later, or when our sun burns out. I just hope the end is quick.
Later.
they're the final punchline
Why can't people just get along? Maybe i'm not the best person to say this, maybe i don't have the right to say this. I'm not the most tolerable person around after all. But is it so hard to just...tolerate someone? I'm not even talking about liking the person, just tolerate. I'm sorry, but i just fail to see how that's a problem. Especially if the differences are minor ones, like what kind of music you like or what school you're from. It's not even racial or religious or whatever.
Maybe it's just me being, ironically, intolerant again. But i really don't understand.
This led me thinking: if people around me can't even set aside petty little differences, then i guess the same is to be expected from the rest of humanity. All those wars, those senseless battles that are fought just because of some difference in the way of thinking, or who you are. I guess all of those violent, useless wars, all those hurtful remarks and emotional trauma will just continue to occur both now and in the future. Though i suppose it's sort of like an innate human instinct, to shun those different from you.
Biologically, i'm sure there's an explanation. But in this age and day, where some of these alleged differences are only in our mind (a Christian American and an American who doesn't have any religion will probably have the same characteristics of an American, i'm sure, as will a Buddhist Chinese and a Muslim Chinese bear the same characeteristics of a Chinese, save for minor physical differences due to ancestral lineage), i'm starting to suspect that this sensless discrimination against people just slightly different from us can possibly be detrimental to the survival of the human race.
So i really, honestly, truthfully think that the world might be a better place after the apocalypse, or natural burning out due to global warming. Whether it's in 2012 or earlier or later. I think it's time to start over.
See, basically (i know how you don't like it when i use this word), we're a failed species. Hardly any of the other animals or plants or organisms have tried to exterminate a particular breed of their species because they thought that breed was inferior. Few animals, plants or ther organisms have wars amongst their own species so frequently, and seldom has killing of the same species occurred on such a massive scale, and for such selfish reasons. Nowadays, humans go to war because of things like different ideologies of different skin colour, things that are non-essential for survival. Animals, on the other hand, fight over things like territory, food, mates, etc. Basically, things that they need in order to survive and ensure continuity of their species. We humans, as a species, aren't doing what we should. I mean, okay, differentiation is good, because it helps us adapt to and survive in different conditions/ environment. But killing each other just because of some petty differences is just gonna set our whole species back by a lot. We're jsut killing our own people, because in the end, we ARE one people. The human race, that is.
So we've established that we are, in fact, a failed species.
Now, depending on what you believe in -- god(s), or science -- some apocalyptic disaster worthy of a Hollywood film or a gradual decline in our ability to survive will start happening. If you believe in any god, not just the Christian one, you'll believe that since we have not lived up to god's expectations, and have been sinful, he/ she will have to wipe out the human race by sending a deluge of rain resulting in flash floods, catastrophic earthquakes, or maybe just oblierate us. On the other hand, if you believe in science and Charles Darwin, you'll believe that since humans are an inferior species and there can only be survival of the fittest, we will just slowly die out as we will be unable to adapt. Either way, i'm pretty sure that our world is gonna end. In that sense. And yes, this is all OUR fault. 'Our' referring to every single human being.
So when the end comes, i hope everyone is prepared, because really, we've broiught this on ourselves. If only we had been good, peace-loving humans. But it's too late. Flash floods, or gradual dying out, we should be ready. And accept it. Say our final prayers, say our last farewells, because the end will come. It could be tomorrow, 10 years later, or a millenium later, or when our sun burns out. I just hope the end is quick.
Later.
they're the final punchline
Monday, March 22
I'm still breathing
What do you do if you miss someone so much that it becomes a physical pain?
I leave the gas on
Walk the alleys in the dark
Sleep with candles burning
I leave the doors unlocked
I'm weaving a rope and
Running all the red lights
Did i catch your attention?
'Cause i'm sending all the signs that
The clock is ticking
And i'll be giving my two weeks
Pick your favourite shade of black
You'd best prepare a speech
Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me
Only that i'd want you to say that i'm the only person you've ever loved, and the only one you'll ever love. I just want someone to love me. And i know you do. And so do i. But it really sucks that we can't be together.
Later.
but we've been dead for awhile
I leave the gas on
Walk the alleys in the dark
Sleep with candles burning
I leave the doors unlocked
I'm weaving a rope and
Running all the red lights
Did i catch your attention?
'Cause i'm sending all the signs that
The clock is ticking
And i'll be giving my two weeks
Pick your favourite shade of black
You'd best prepare a speech
Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me
Only that i'd want you to say that i'm the only person you've ever loved, and the only one you'll ever love. I just want someone to love me. And i know you do. And so do i. But it really sucks that we can't be together.
Later.
but we've been dead for awhile
Thursday, March 11
What's this "right thing" i keep hearing about?
Sometimes it hurts to do the right thing. Most times it isn't worth it. All the time, it feels like your heart's being stabbed again and again, and it will never end. But always, it's something that i guess everyone has to do sometime in their life.
Even if it means hurting so much you just want to slit your wrists and let the blood wash away the pain.
Even if it means feeling so depressed that you just want to swallow that whole bottle of pills and let oblivion take away the hurt.
Yeah, even then.
Even then you're stuck having to do the goddamn, fucking "right thing".
And how can you know if it's the "right thing" to do, when all it brings to your life is more pain, more hurt, without an escape?
How can it be the "right thing" if it hurts oh-so-fucking-much just thinking about it?
Sometimes, what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger. It just makes you want to finish the job yourself.
Later.
Even if it means hurting so much you just want to slit your wrists and let the blood wash away the pain.
Even if it means feeling so depressed that you just want to swallow that whole bottle of pills and let oblivion take away the hurt.
Yeah, even then.
Even then you're stuck having to do the goddamn, fucking "right thing".
And how can you know if it's the "right thing" to do, when all it brings to your life is more pain, more hurt, without an escape?
How can it be the "right thing" if it hurts oh-so-fucking-much just thinking about it?
Sometimes, what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger. It just makes you want to finish the job yourself.
Later.
And the worst part is...
Before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff
And in the freefall i will realise
I'm better off when i hit the bottom
So maybe that's not the worst part anymore. I think the worst part in life isn't when you're gonna fall. The worst part is when you have to decide when you will fall, and who you're gonna take with you.
If i had to choose, i would want to die alone. The best way would be if no one knew. I mean, if no one knows about it, they won't/ can't possibly feel sad, can they? And i really don't want the people who care about me to be unhappy.
I guess that's why i almost always seem to end up feeling screwed. Like life isn't worth living. 'Cause i've realised that for my entire life, i have never done anything for myself. As in, my results are good because my parents have expectations of me. Sure, i have my own expectations too, but somehow i'm more unwilling to not meet my parents' expectations. I realise that i don't have a goal in life. I don't know what i'm living for anymore.
I only know that you are the only thing keeping me sane. I honestly can't do it, can't cope with life if you're not there. But i guess i'm going to have to learn to be independent. To survive without you. I guess i can live without you, but without you, nothing's ever gonna be the same.
You made everything seem possible. I actually believed all those dreams i had were going to come through. But now i'm second-guessing and doubting myself. Maybe i just saw what i wanted to, and it blinded me to everything else. Naivete has always been my problem. I guess i have to learn to stand on my own two feet now.
Just know that you were -- and still are -- the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly love you.
Later.
And in the freefall i will realise
I'm better off when i hit the bottom
So maybe that's not the worst part anymore. I think the worst part in life isn't when you're gonna fall. The worst part is when you have to decide when you will fall, and who you're gonna take with you.
If i had to choose, i would want to die alone. The best way would be if no one knew. I mean, if no one knows about it, they won't/ can't possibly feel sad, can they? And i really don't want the people who care about me to be unhappy.
I guess that's why i almost always seem to end up feeling screwed. Like life isn't worth living. 'Cause i've realised that for my entire life, i have never done anything for myself. As in, my results are good because my parents have expectations of me. Sure, i have my own expectations too, but somehow i'm more unwilling to not meet my parents' expectations. I realise that i don't have a goal in life. I don't know what i'm living for anymore.
I only know that you are the only thing keeping me sane. I honestly can't do it, can't cope with life if you're not there. But i guess i'm going to have to learn to be independent. To survive without you. I guess i can live without you, but without you, nothing's ever gonna be the same.
You made everything seem possible. I actually believed all those dreams i had were going to come through. But now i'm second-guessing and doubting myself. Maybe i just saw what i wanted to, and it blinded me to everything else. Naivete has always been my problem. I guess i have to learn to stand on my own two feet now.
Just know that you were -- and still are -- the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly love you.
Later.
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