Life sucks. I dun know why i'm even bothering to continue. Not being suicidal here. Just matter-of-fact. Doesn't mean i'm not emo. That's pretty much all i am these days. Sorry for screwing up the history prez. I suck. Lousy presentation from me. The rest of you were great. Sorry for being such a lousy group member. Sorry.
Later.
Monday, August 25
Saturday, August 23
OM
Great. Just great. Who knew making desicions were this hard? "I really need a lucky break." And maybe some things finally going my way. For once.
Later.
Later.
Thursday, August 21
Not your fault
I guess partly it's my fault. And totally not your fault kae? Stop beating yourself up over it. Haiz. Sometimes i wonder why i'm still doing this. Goddamn hell. I really hope i didn't get you into (worse) trouble. Can still remember the last time i (almost) did. Really sorry. If anything happens, can you forgive me? Sorry. I never meant for this to happen. But i still can't stop hoping. I guess i never learn enough to stop being so..."hopelessly hopeful". And i dun go looking for sharp objects. I just find them lying there. Sorry.
Later.
Later.
Monday, August 18
Emo and stressed. Can't life ever be simple?
Life sucks. Period. Can't things go the way they should? Dun fairytale endings ever happen? Haiz. Dun know how much more i can take. Guess i just dun know when to give up. I'm hopeless. Gonna study for Chemistry now. Dun wanna screw up my common tests, else my phone would be confiscated. Damn it.
Later.
Later.
Friday, August 15
Some people are so influential
I may not the best person to say this, but can't you people stop emo-ing? (I know. Ironic. Who was the one who cried in school? LOL. But still.) I'm only saying this 'cause i actually care about you people, just like how you all were with me when i was emo. Dun emo kae? If not i'll feel emo as well.
...
Shit. I hate it when this happens. All of a sudden i'm feeling emo. It's like, it sneaks up on me and BAM, i feel emo. But not for no reason. Maybe i shouldn't be so easily influenced, but whatthehell, i feel emo after reading his post. And talking to ZM. And after what happened today. It's like i've been doing fine the whole..past couple of weeks or something. And now this. I guess i should have known it was just a matter of time before i relapsed. It's like some kinda withdrawal thing. Like emo-ing is something that's part of me now. Did any of you know this year was the year i cried the most? About the same as the number of times i cried from 2001 till 2007 dec 31. And it's not even the end of the year yet.
Crying wasn't my thing. Neither was emo-ing. When i was sad or emo, i used to get really pissed and start shouting at people so i wouldn't cry instead. But now, it's like i finally learnt to cry. Maybe it isn't that bad a thing. It showed me a side of myself i've never dared to let out. It's about time i found myself. And maybe this side of me, this more vulnerable side isn't that bad. Since i'm supposedly "unstable" and have so many mood swings, i guess i can continue doing that. Heck, I dun suppose people will be that surprised if i do myself in one of these days. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea now.
But then, i guess i was being really selfish. Even if i dun wanna think of myself, still gotta think of others. People who care about me, people who will be hurt. Or maybe i'm just deluding myself and no one (except someone) really cares.
Dun know what i'm writing. Dun really care. Dun care who reads this either. Just wanna get this outta my head. So much i wanna say. Argh. Dun you people know what is the meaning of PRIVACY? Like, personal space, time alone? I wanna do/ say the things i wanna do/ say. I hate it when there are so many stuffs to consider. I want my privacy back. I want it to continue being a secret, but i guess there's no turning back now. "Scandalous". Whatthehell. Too much publicity isn't a good thing. I never wanted this. I just wanted to be happy, okay? Whatthebloodyhell. NOW IT'S SO SCREWED. And i feel like doing something drastic. They all know anyway. What's the point?
They all think it's so...fun, so "cool" to hurt people where they're the weakest. So what if you know it all? I may do something to shock you all. Dun worry, if i'm gonna be punished it'll just be me. I'd rather die than let someone take the blame for/with me. I'll be responsible for the things i do. Ask no questions and i'll tell no lies. I dun wanna lie to people, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. So, sorry guys. It was never on purpose.
I need to talk to someone. It's not a want, it's a need. And i can tell it's not happening in the near future. Hell, is this really that wrong? If they can give me a better reason then maturity level and studies, i'm willing to listen. Otherwise, i think i'm quite sure of what i'm doing, thank you very much. And i'm not doing it for my image or my publicity or whatever crap you guys can come up with. I'm doing it for us. Enough said.
Emo-ness comes so easily but takes damn long to go away. But i welcome it back like an old friend. I'm such a weird person.
I'm on the brink of breakdown/ Need you there for me/ When the darkness ends, there's light
Later.
...
Shit. I hate it when this happens. All of a sudden i'm feeling emo. It's like, it sneaks up on me and BAM, i feel emo. But not for no reason. Maybe i shouldn't be so easily influenced, but whatthehell, i feel emo after reading his post. And talking to ZM. And after what happened today. It's like i've been doing fine the whole..past couple of weeks or something. And now this. I guess i should have known it was just a matter of time before i relapsed. It's like some kinda withdrawal thing. Like emo-ing is something that's part of me now. Did any of you know this year was the year i cried the most? About the same as the number of times i cried from 2001 till 2007 dec 31. And it's not even the end of the year yet.
Crying wasn't my thing. Neither was emo-ing. When i was sad or emo, i used to get really pissed and start shouting at people so i wouldn't cry instead. But now, it's like i finally learnt to cry. Maybe it isn't that bad a thing. It showed me a side of myself i've never dared to let out. It's about time i found myself. And maybe this side of me, this more vulnerable side isn't that bad. Since i'm supposedly "unstable" and have so many mood swings, i guess i can continue doing that. Heck, I dun suppose people will be that surprised if i do myself in one of these days. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea now.
But then, i guess i was being really selfish. Even if i dun wanna think of myself, still gotta think of others. People who care about me, people who will be hurt. Or maybe i'm just deluding myself and no one (except someone) really cares.
Dun know what i'm writing. Dun really care. Dun care who reads this either. Just wanna get this outta my head. So much i wanna say. Argh. Dun you people know what is the meaning of PRIVACY? Like, personal space, time alone? I wanna do/ say the things i wanna do/ say. I hate it when there are so many stuffs to consider. I want my privacy back. I want it to continue being a secret, but i guess there's no turning back now. "Scandalous". Whatthehell. Too much publicity isn't a good thing. I never wanted this. I just wanted to be happy, okay? Whatthebloodyhell. NOW IT'S SO SCREWED. And i feel like doing something drastic. They all know anyway. What's the point?
They all think it's so...fun, so "cool" to hurt people where they're the weakest. So what if you know it all? I may do something to shock you all. Dun worry, if i'm gonna be punished it'll just be me. I'd rather die than let someone take the blame for/with me. I'll be responsible for the things i do. Ask no questions and i'll tell no lies. I dun wanna lie to people, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. So, sorry guys. It was never on purpose.
I need to talk to someone. It's not a want, it's a need. And i can tell it's not happening in the near future. Hell, is this really that wrong? If they can give me a better reason then maturity level and studies, i'm willing to listen. Otherwise, i think i'm quite sure of what i'm doing, thank you very much. And i'm not doing it for my image or my publicity or whatever crap you guys can come up with. I'm doing it for us. Enough said.
Emo-ness comes so easily but takes damn long to go away. But i welcome it back like an old friend. I'm such a weird person.
I'm on the brink of breakdown/ Need you there for me/ When the darkness ends, there's light
Later.
Sunday, August 10
Can't think of one that would do this post justice
I realise that *most* of the time when i post, it's just to talk about emo stuff. And emo in front of the computer. LOL. At least this one *won't* be an emo post. I *swear*. It's gonna be a random one. =) Dun say i didn't warn you.
Now, what shall i talk about? Ooh, i know. *National Day*. Or National Day celebrations in school, since i didn't really watch the parade on television. It was *kinda*...fun. Or interesting. Whatever. The marching was okay... But couldn't really see much, since i wasn't standing in front. LOL. Not that it would have made *much* difference. I mean, i'm not a UG person, so wouldn't have been able to tell if they were marching *properly*. Sec 1 foramtion thingy after that. Everyone went to the grandstand. Again, couldn't really see, this time 'cause of the pillar. LOL. But seemed quite good, taking into account the *short* time the Sec 1s were given to practise. So...yeah, well done. The performances were also pretty good. Compared to the usual stuff. No offence though. But kinda no link to National Day. I'm not complaining though. They can have this every year. =)
LOL. Didn't realise that crapping can take up *so* much space. Anyway, after school i had to stay back. Pacer's test. Spent time shooting, eating lunch and banging on the canteen/ hall piano. I think the canteen one *seriously* needs to be tuned. Then...pacer's test. And i'm happy to say i've improved! From 6.9 to 8.2. Yay for me. LOL. Went home. Slacked. Didn't do homework.
Anyway, since this *is* a random post, i shall announce that i ran 5km today. In 31.15 mins. Yay. Then went home and did sit-ups, push-ups and any other form of exercise i could think of. Dunno why, just had a sudden random burst of energy. Just *had* to do some exercise. Call me a health nut, but that's me for you.
And i got new specs! Okay, maybe it looks abit like my old one but whatever. And i wore contacts to school for the *first* time on friday. =) LOL. I'm *really* random. And i want breaking dawn! Can't believe that popular doesn't have stock. What. The. Hell. Damn. Guess i'll just have to wait, but the suspense is killing me. =(
Anyway not much left to talk about. My tagboard's *dying*. Gotta think of ways to save it. LOL.
LOL. Searching for my ex-classmates' blogs now. Shh. A little help would be appreciated. LOL. Found denise's and ryan's blogs. Still finding. *Very* busy. More soon.
Later.
Now, what shall i talk about? Ooh, i know. *National Day*. Or National Day celebrations in school, since i didn't really watch the parade on television. It was *kinda*...fun. Or interesting. Whatever. The marching was okay... But couldn't really see much, since i wasn't standing in front. LOL. Not that it would have made *much* difference. I mean, i'm not a UG person, so wouldn't have been able to tell if they were marching *properly*. Sec 1 foramtion thingy after that. Everyone went to the grandstand. Again, couldn't really see, this time 'cause of the pillar. LOL. But seemed quite good, taking into account the *short* time the Sec 1s were given to practise. So...yeah, well done. The performances were also pretty good. Compared to the usual stuff. No offence though. But kinda no link to National Day. I'm not complaining though. They can have this every year. =)
LOL. Didn't realise that crapping can take up *so* much space. Anyway, after school i had to stay back. Pacer's test. Spent time shooting, eating lunch and banging on the canteen/ hall piano. I think the canteen one *seriously* needs to be tuned. Then...pacer's test. And i'm happy to say i've improved! From 6.9 to 8.2. Yay for me. LOL. Went home. Slacked. Didn't do homework.
Anyway, since this *is* a random post, i shall announce that i ran 5km today. In 31.15 mins. Yay. Then went home and did sit-ups, push-ups and any other form of exercise i could think of. Dunno why, just had a sudden random burst of energy. Just *had* to do some exercise. Call me a health nut, but that's me for you.
And i got new specs! Okay, maybe it looks abit like my old one but whatever. And i wore contacts to school for the *first* time on friday. =) LOL. I'm *really* random. And i want breaking dawn! Can't believe that popular doesn't have stock. What. The. Hell. Damn. Guess i'll just have to wait, but the suspense is killing me. =(
Anyway not much left to talk about. My tagboard's *dying*. Gotta think of ways to save it. LOL.
There's a Chance You Could Be Violent |
 Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions. Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act. Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage. |
LOL. Searching for my ex-classmates' blogs now. Shh. A little help would be appreciated. LOL. Found denise's and ryan's blogs. Still finding. *Very* busy. More soon.
Later.
Wednesday, August 6
Disappointed. But that's life, i guess
Haiz. Kinda disappointed today, 'cause when i woke up i thought it would be a great day. Guess i was wrong - again. I never learn, do i? Maybe things will be different next time. I sure hope so. Short post today. Not really in the mood and school night anyway.
Later.
Later.
Friday, August 1
You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To |
 Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could. Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most. But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you? It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low. What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth |
Your Kiss is Red |
 You are intense about kissing but easily distracted. You kiss for attention, power, and passion. It doesn't take a lot for you to want to kiss someone. If you see a kissing opportunity, you always go for it! Kissing Type: Kissaholic (admit it!) People See Your Kisses as: Seductive You Kiss Best With: An Orange Kisser Stay away from: A Blue Kisser |
You Are a Light Pink Rose |
 You represent sweetness and grace. Your vibe: Kind and gentle Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend |
Guys Like That You're Charming |
 You're the girl most guys can't get out of their heads Even if they met you on a bad hair day :-) You just seem to "click" with everyone you meet So even if a guy forgets about you for a second... his friends haven't! |
Your Love is Represented by a Orange Rose |
 When you're in love, you tend to be overwhelmed and consumed by desire. You develop fascinations with people easily, and they're sometimes even borderline obsessions! You tend to come on strong. Your love is as hot as a flame. |
Random-ness. LOL.
Later.
Disillusioned
This isn't gonna be an emo post. At least, i dun mean for it to be. But i can't always control my emotions. It's just gonna be an in-your-face kinda post. Stuffs i've been thinking about lately. Even if it offends people. I mean, if i were emo about this...thing, i think i would've done myself in like, a dozen times. And i dun think this is worth it. Maybe i'm biased or whatever, but somehow i place affairs of the heart at a higher priority.
Maybe i'm really not trustworthy enough. Like, too emotionally unstable to be trusted or whatever. But hey, i know people who have just as many mood swings as me (maybe even more) but i still trust them. Even though not with all the truth at times, but sometimes the whole true story isn't mine to tell. I wish people would do the same. I mean, i may not be the best person to give advice or anything, but i promise i'll listen. And i always try to give the best advice i can. Give me a chance okay? SX isn't the only person to talk to. And save the crap about stealing others' boyfriend for someone who actually cares. I may be insecure and irrationally jealous, but not to that extent, for god's sake. And i have bigger problems to worry about than that.
Problems. Is that what my life consists of? I have problems keeping things secret, i have problems keeping my promises (even if they're just to myself) and i have problems with trust. Somehow it always comes down to trust. My parent's dun trust me, i dun trust them enough to tell them the truth, i dun trust anyone much - other than a few. Or maybe just one.
Maybe that's my problem. Not being trusting enough. It's kinda hard though. Like, past experiences and stuff. If i trust someone with a secret, somehow the secret would be out a few days later. So now i'm paranoid and stuff. And i dun trust many people. So in turn people dun trust me. I guess i kinda asked for it. Like, i can't expect people to trust me if i dun trust them, right? But sometimes it isn't just my problem. Sometimes it's their problem.
They think it's so straightforward and simple. But my life isn't all that good, okay? It may seem that way from the outside, but nothing's what it seems. I have my own troubles. "Life is a bed of roses - but roses have thorns". Maybe my life seems great, carefree and stuff. But that's just 'cause you ain't me.
You dun understand me. No one does. They think they know me, but the real me's under so many layers of masks that some days i'm not sure who i am either. The good student who hands in her work on time? The sarcastic bitch who's always ready with a sharp retort? The compulsive liar who lies about every single thing? The emo girl who has suicidal thoughts (and some half-hearted attempts)? Frankly, i dunno who i am. Maybe it's timefor some serious reflection. Do some soul-searching. It's cliched and horribly familiar, but that's really how i feel.
How can i interact properly with others when no one understands me - when i dun even know myself? Maybe i'm a sarcastic, attention-seeking, emo bitch. I'm not the nicest person around. I'm certainly not the easiest person to get along with. I'm not posting all this for sympathy. I dun need that. I dun want it. I want to be understood. I need to feel like i belong somewhere. Not aimlessly drifting around, waiting for time to go by.
Time. There seems to be too much, yet too little of it. Part of me wants nothing more than the end of this year. Yet another part wants this year to last forever. I may not have another chance, another shot at this. I wanna make good use of the time i have left. with him But it seems to be slipping through my fingrs. So many things i can't control. Sometimes i feel like my life's spiralling outta my reach. Any decision i make will never affect it, will never make a difference. And you know what? It sucks.
Been feeling so paranoid lately. And i guess it wasn't for nothing. My parents. Two teachers. Dun even know if they know the whole truth, but ambiguous hinting is bad enough. My parents threatened to call. How the hell can i prevent that? Sometimes i wonder if they know more than they're letting on. Teachers too. Hints all around and occasional names. WTH, can't they just come out with it? I dun mind any punishment they can give. It will still be worth it and given a chance, i'd do it all over again. But i dun wanna drag others down with me. I guess i'm like some kinda jinx. Anyone...associated with dun usually end up with happy endings. They dun end up happy in the end. I guess i'm bad influence amd horrible company.
So much more i feel like saying. But i dun think i will - or should. 'Cause as dumb as i can get, i know people will read this post.
Looking around, i'm alone/ On my own, for now/ I hope it's temporary
Standing alone in the crowd/ Darkness engulfs me/ Sinking into misery
GLittering blade, dangerous/ I long for its bite/ Sweet release, worries lost in pain
I'm not emo-ing, so dun worry about me. I'm fine, really. As fine as i can get. Dun worry. Really.
Later.
Maybe i'm really not trustworthy enough. Like, too emotionally unstable to be trusted or whatever. But hey, i know people who have just as many mood swings as me (maybe even more) but i still trust them. Even though not with all the truth at times, but sometimes the whole true story isn't mine to tell. I wish people would do the same. I mean, i may not be the best person to give advice or anything, but i promise i'll listen. And i always try to give the best advice i can. Give me a chance okay? SX isn't the only person to talk to. And save the crap about stealing others' boyfriend for someone who actually cares. I may be insecure and irrationally jealous, but not to that extent, for god's sake. And i have bigger problems to worry about than that.
Problems. Is that what my life consists of? I have problems keeping things secret, i have problems keeping my promises (even if they're just to myself) and i have problems with trust. Somehow it always comes down to trust. My parent's dun trust me, i dun trust them enough to tell them the truth, i dun trust anyone much - other than a few. Or maybe just one.
Maybe that's my problem. Not being trusting enough. It's kinda hard though. Like, past experiences and stuff. If i trust someone with a secret, somehow the secret would be out a few days later. So now i'm paranoid and stuff. And i dun trust many people. So in turn people dun trust me. I guess i kinda asked for it. Like, i can't expect people to trust me if i dun trust them, right? But sometimes it isn't just my problem. Sometimes it's their problem.
They think it's so straightforward and simple. But my life isn't all that good, okay? It may seem that way from the outside, but nothing's what it seems. I have my own troubles. "Life is a bed of roses - but roses have thorns". Maybe my life seems great, carefree and stuff. But that's just 'cause you ain't me.
You dun understand me. No one does. They think they know me, but the real me's under so many layers of masks that some days i'm not sure who i am either. The good student who hands in her work on time? The sarcastic bitch who's always ready with a sharp retort? The compulsive liar who lies about every single thing? The emo girl who has suicidal thoughts (and some half-hearted attempts)? Frankly, i dunno who i am. Maybe it's timefor some serious reflection. Do some soul-searching. It's cliched and horribly familiar, but that's really how i feel.
How can i interact properly with others when no one understands me - when i dun even know myself? Maybe i'm a sarcastic, attention-seeking, emo bitch. I'm not the nicest person around. I'm certainly not the easiest person to get along with. I'm not posting all this for sympathy. I dun need that. I dun want it. I want to be understood. I need to feel like i belong somewhere. Not aimlessly drifting around, waiting for time to go by.
Time. There seems to be too much, yet too little of it. Part of me wants nothing more than the end of this year. Yet another part wants this year to last forever. I may not have another chance, another shot at this. I wanna make good use of the time i have left. with him But it seems to be slipping through my fingrs. So many things i can't control. Sometimes i feel like my life's spiralling outta my reach. Any decision i make will never affect it, will never make a difference. And you know what? It sucks.
Been feeling so paranoid lately. And i guess it wasn't for nothing. My parents. Two teachers. Dun even know if they know the whole truth, but ambiguous hinting is bad enough. My parents threatened to call. How the hell can i prevent that? Sometimes i wonder if they know more than they're letting on. Teachers too. Hints all around and occasional names. WTH, can't they just come out with it? I dun mind any punishment they can give. It will still be worth it and given a chance, i'd do it all over again. But i dun wanna drag others down with me. I guess i'm like some kinda jinx. Anyone...associated with dun usually end up with happy endings. They dun end up happy in the end. I guess i'm bad influence amd horrible company.
So much more i feel like saying. But i dun think i will - or should. 'Cause as dumb as i can get, i know people will read this post.
Looking around, i'm alone/ On my own, for now/ I hope it's temporary
Standing alone in the crowd/ Darkness engulfs me/ Sinking into misery
GLittering blade, dangerous/ I long for its bite/ Sweet release, worries lost in pain
I'm not emo-ing, so dun worry about me. I'm fine, really. As fine as i can get. Dun worry. Really.
Later.
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