Disillusioned

This isn't gonna be an emo post. At least, i dun mean for it to be. But i can't always control my emotions. It's just gonna be an in-your-face kinda post. Stuffs i've been thinking about lately. Even if it offends people. I mean, if i were emo about this...thing, i think i would've done myself in like, a dozen times. And i dun think this is worth it. Maybe i'm biased or whatever, but somehow i place affairs of the heart at a higher priority.

Maybe i'm really not trustworthy enough. Like, too emotionally unstable to be trusted or whatever. But hey, i know people who have just as many mood swings as me (maybe even more) but i still trust them. Even though not with all the truth at times, but sometimes the whole true story isn't mine to tell. I wish people would do the same. I mean, i may not be the best person to give advice or anything, but i promise i'll listen. And i always try to give the best advice i can. Give me a chance okay? SX isn't the only person to talk to. And save the crap about stealing others' boyfriend for someone who actually cares. I may be insecure and irrationally jealous, but not to that extent, for god's sake. And i have bigger problems to worry about than that.

Problems. Is that what my life consists of? I have problems keeping things secret, i have problems keeping my promises (even if they're just to myself) and i have problems with trust. Somehow it always comes down to trust. My parent's dun trust me, i dun trust them enough to tell them the truth, i dun trust anyone much - other than a few. Or maybe just one.

Maybe that's my problem. Not being trusting enough. It's kinda hard though. Like, past experiences and stuff. If i trust someone with a secret, somehow the secret would be out a few days later. So now i'm paranoid and stuff. And i dun trust many people. So in turn people dun trust me. I guess i kinda asked for it. Like, i can't expect people to trust me if i dun trust them, right? But sometimes it isn't just my problem. Sometimes it's their problem.

They think it's so straightforward and simple. But my life isn't all that good, okay? It may seem that way from the outside, but nothing's what it seems. I have my own troubles. "Life is a bed of roses - but roses have thorns". Maybe my life seems great, carefree and stuff. But that's just 'cause you ain't me.

You dun understand me. No one does. They think they know me, but the real me's under so many layers of masks that some days i'm not sure who i am either. The good student who hands in her work on time? The sarcastic bitch who's always ready with a sharp retort? The compulsive liar who lies about every single thing? The emo girl who has suicidal thoughts (and some half-hearted attempts)? Frankly, i dunno who i am. Maybe it's timefor some serious reflection. Do some soul-searching. It's cliched and horribly familiar, but that's really how i feel.

How can i interact properly with others when no one understands me - when i dun even know myself? Maybe i'm a sarcastic, attention-seeking, emo bitch. I'm not the nicest person around. I'm certainly not the easiest person to get along with. I'm not posting all this for sympathy. I dun need that. I dun want it. I want to be understood. I need to feel like i belong somewhere. Not aimlessly drifting around, waiting for time to go by.

Time. There seems to be too much, yet too little of it. Part of me wants nothing more than the end of this year. Yet another part wants this year to last forever. I may not have another chance, another shot at this. I wanna make good use of the time i have left. with him But it seems to be slipping through my fingrs. So many things i can't control. Sometimes i feel like my life's spiralling outta my reach. Any decision i make will never affect it, will never make a difference. And you know what? It sucks.

Been feeling so paranoid lately. And i guess it wasn't for nothing. My parents. Two teachers. Dun even know if they know the whole truth, but ambiguous hinting is bad enough. My parents threatened to call. How the hell can i prevent that? Sometimes i wonder if they know more than they're letting on. Teachers too. Hints all around and occasional names. WTH, can't they just come out with it? I dun mind any punishment they can give. It will still be worth it and given a chance, i'd do it all over again. But i dun wanna drag others down with me. I guess i'm like some kinda jinx. Anyone...associated with dun usually end up with happy endings. They dun end up happy in the end. I guess i'm bad influence amd horrible company.

So much more i feel like saying. But i dun think i will - or should. 'Cause as dumb as i can get, i know people will read this post.

Looking around, i'm alone/ On my own, for now/ I hope it's temporary

Standing alone in the crowd/ Darkness engulfs me/ Sinking into misery

GLittering blade, dangerous/ I long for its bite/ Sweet release, worries lost in pain

I'm not emo-ing, so dun worry about me. I'm fine, really. As fine as i can get. Dun worry. Really.

Later.